Saturday, February 10

Becoming me

I would like, if I may, to take you on a rather unusual journey.

I sat down the other day (not that sitting is an important aspect, although it would be awkward to do what I did standing up) and realised that somehow my life had gotten off track.

Back in Reading I was confident, in a job I loved, and had a friend just up the road from me. In Bristol I'm shy, in a boring job and alienated from the known world. I’m also fat.

Clearly something has gone wrong, possibly to do with cheesecake. I have evidence to suggest that Cheesecake is in fact the route of all evil, rather than money as was previously believed.

Now I’ve tried to change before but lacked the motivation (or the guilt) to see it through. But I have this blog for guilt now and an upcoming shopping trip to London for motivation. And my efforts can be recorded and boasted about for the rest of my life or until hell freezes over, whichever is longer.

So I sat down (see note above) and wrote ten steps to finding the old me. Then I crossed out three, added four and combined two together. My London trip is at the end of March so, unless I blatantly lie here, (which I considered for a while) eight steps is too many. I crossed out two more, added three, reworded five and, with a deft pen stroke, deleted two of those remaining. And so finally came up with my Seven Steps to Success. I call it 'Becoming Me.' If you can think of a better name - screw you.

  1. Talk
  2. Get off the Web
  3. Get Healthier
  4. Leave the House
  5. Join some Clubs
  6. Say Yes
  7. Spoil Myself
To celebrate I went out and brought a burger.

Over the next seven weeks, with you as my witness, I will make these stupid principles my mantra. Taking on one step each week, and reporting my progress here I will attempt to find something of the Cynic that I left behind in Reading.

And failing that I will at least have something to write about for seven weeks.

My aim is to make this light-hearted for my readers but a tear-wrenching, emotional-churning, life changing adventure for me. I feel I will succeed on at least one of the two.

Wish me luck,
And then go on secretly hoping I’ll fail.

Simon

13 comments:

Alex said...

Now now Si, we all know that girls are in fact, the root of all evil. It's been scientifically proven! Is Bristol really that bad then?

The Freelance Cynic said...

Yes I know, but they based that on the axiom that money is the root of all evil, which is, as I mentioned. wrong.

Fat = Bad | Bad = Evil
Cheesecake = Cheese x cake
cheese = fat | Cake = fat
Therefore Cheesecake = Fat x Fat
=Evil x Evil
=Evil squared

ERGO Root Cheesecake = Evil.

And no, Bristol's not too bad. Clarks in Bristol was, lousy confidence killing company. But that's all going to change in the next seven weeks. Or I'm going to look stupid.

The Freelance Cynic said...

And thank you for being the first original freelance Cynic reader to comment on this site!

bobbarama said...

Totally interesting idea. I actually thought for about two seconds that maybe I should try it too ... and then I realized I'd actually have to work at it ... and, well, frankly, I'm allergic to work.

Good luck!

PS: I've been stuck in place here for five minutes not knowing what to do without a 'word verification' to blunder my way through. Speechless.

The Freelance Cynic said...

My blog is not yet popular enough for anyone to bother spamming it...

bobbarama said...

Oh, hey, no problem with the 'word verification.' I was just being funny.

P.L. Frederick said...

Add to cheesecake the evils of money. With cheesecake we've got to either buy it or all the parts to make it. Without growing the livestock, milking the girls, making cheese, and all that.

I just noticed you linking to Small and Big. Yay! Thanks. I added a link back to you.

Emperor Joe said...

God luck with the list. and I agree that cheesecake could be the root of all evil. But is so damn good.

The Freelance Cynic said...

Ah I forgot to add a smiley face to my last comment! See why you could have taken it the wrong way.

I'm glad that my lack of verification managed to confuse you, it's good to know that I have a place in peoples hearts some how. ^__^

The Freelance Cynic said...

Cheesecake is good Jo. Especially its biscuit base. And cheers PJ - I will treasure your link forever.

Miss Elle said...

Bristol isn't so bad Si, I'm only just down the road in Bath! So if you're ever planning a trip, let me know and we can go get a coffee or something :) Would be fab to see you and reminisce of those fun days we used to sit together in maths!

The Freelance Cynic said...

I'd like to clear up a common misconception right now.

Bristol is wonderful. I currently suck.

But E . it'll be lovely to see you again.

Jonathan said...

Am i the only one concerend that if you successfully complete step two then we shan't know the rate of success you have with steps 3-7. Ergo you could afetr successful completion of said second step spend 5 weeks gorging on Cheescake! i think you might need to reconsider your steps.

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