Monday, July 30
Monday, July 23
... and the gang of spoilers.
With the most anticipated book of our generation finally released the world is full of spoilers, people desperate to ruin your good time by telling you how the book ends long before you get to the last page.
Here are some tips to help avoid them.
- Fasten your windows shut with a locknigus Fastenus spell, or lock them, whichever is easier. This will ensure no Owls can get it with your friends spoiler letters.
- Cover up all views of the outside world using your old Harry Potter Posters, magic capes, and Sticker Collections.
- Look your door and barricade the letterbox. Book 5 should fit snugly.
- Unplug the TV, Radio, and telephone.
- Switch of your enchanted computer box.
- Keep all fireplaces burning to prevent the use of Floo Powder.
- Finally, Cover the house in an impenetrable spell like the one surrounding Hogwarts. ensuring that no one can apparate in and yell the ending at you.
Friday, July 20
... and the duped masses
Just change 'kids are' to 'Finacee is' and you get an idea of what I've got to do tonight!
Thursday, July 19
Walk this way
Recently, I’ve been trying out some techniques to improve my Self-esteem.
For example, rather than staring at the pavement, I now hold my head up high as I walk down the street.
The result seems to be that I trip over a lot more...
Moaning Meme Moaners...
The moaning memes are coming in thick and fast! Mostly thick though.
Here's some of the people who've got a load off their chest already! Will you be next?
Join the revolution...
Tuesday, July 17
Home Remedies
Inspired by this site, which recommends holding a raw steak against your eye, or imagining cigar smoking women, I have decided to recommend some alternative home remedies of my own.
It’ll be nice to know I’ve made the world a better place.
Corns
Corns are useful for guitar playing, but only if you strum with your toes. They are normally caused by ill fitting shoes, so to prevent walk everywhere in slippers. It may also help to start using a plectrum as well.Depression
Forget paying out for expensive anti-depressants or counselling. As Jean-Paul Satre could tell you, depression is ‘other people.’ Avoid them! Mix up 2 pints of larger with 6 shots of Vodka and soak your throat and stomach repeatedly. The depression should temporarily disappear within 30 minutes to an hour.Hay fever
Hay fever is caused by breathing in pollen to which the body is allergic. Thus, to avoid hay fever, stop breathing.Head lice
Head lice are parasitic creatures much like us, and can be killed the same way. Varying methods for removing Head Lice are lethal injection, firing squad, or hanging.Poor Sex Life
However, the most effective method is suffocation. Hold your head under water for an hour, or until all the head lice have floated to the surface.
Go to your e-mail and open the first e-mail entitled ‘Do you want a Bigger Penis?’ Take with a credit card. Sex should improve within 6 – 8 weeks.Tooth-ache
(May have side-effects if you’re a woman)
Toothache is caused by cavities formed by bacteria.
Detol kills 99% of bacteria. Dead.
Gargle 3 items a day until the symptoms disappear.
Monday, July 16
Moaning Meme
If you've ever listened to people talking on a bus you'll know that most of what they say is negative. They talk about things they hate, people that annoy them and boyfriends that let them down before they even think about mentioning the 'nice things.'
All of us do it. We find it natural, when with a friend, to moan. In fact a recent study has shown that the most effective form of human bonding is moaning and gossiping.
Yet our blogs, the social tools of the 21st century, are populated by memes listing our 'favourites,' or our 'blessings,' or our 'funniest' moments. In our efforts to be readable we have denied others the one thing that makes us interesting - our whining, moaning, complaining selves.
And so I am pleased to present the first ever Moaning Meme! The meme that will teach us all a bit more about each other and ourselves
It's time to spread some Personality...
The Moaning Meme
5 people who will be annoyed you tagged them.
4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.
- Handbag sized dogs - it's a small, annoying, yapping creature with teeth, not a fashion accessory
- Charity canvassers
- Blog Entries that begin "I have nothing to say today..."
- Reality TV - the arrogance. The sheer, sheer arrogance!
- Gang up and gossip about people behind their backs
- Act unnecessarily camp as a way of defining themselves
- Share the graphic details of their last visit to the toilet
- Almost any American Sitcom...
- Drunk Bristolians
- I need more therapy
- Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.com so people know what it's all about!
- Be as honest as possible, This is about letting people get to know the real you!
- Try not to insult anyone - unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly!
- Post these rules at the end of every meme!
At least that's what I'm hoping...
Wednesday, July 11
You're addicted to grub...
Food, like crack cocaine, is addictive.
I say this from first hand experience. I am not overweight because of a genetic disposition or a poor metabolism. I am not overweight due to a sedentary lifestyle or poor self-esteem. I am not even overweight because of global warming. I’m overweight because I eat too much.
If you put a plate of chips in front of me, and an ounce of heroin in front of Pete Docherty, the result would be somewhat similar, except Pete would probably know when to stop. If you give me food I will eat it until my belly fills, my heart panics, and people begin to ask me if I’m pregnant.
The other difference between myself and a heroin addict is that the junkie, a drain on society, gets free health care, free counseling, free morphine injections and a free appearance on Trisha when he is a ‘reformed sinner.’
The fat person on the other hand, who drive our economy with their purchases of custard doughnuts and Garfield Comics, get ridiculed, teased and a lifetime membership to Weight Watchers.
Something must be done to readdress the balance. So as it seems that only bad people get help for free, is the change the publics image of food addicts. I will have to beat BMI the bad boy way.
Locking myself away, I’ll gorge on takeaway and watch day time TV. This is pretty much what I do now anyway. But as my funds are swallowed up, and I can no longer fit in my work clothes, I’ll need alternative ways to fund my habit.
You’ll see me raiding the Post-Office on pension day, forcing old ladies to give me their snacks and sweets. Their pension money, will be exchanged for food at a ‘shady’ corner shop after sun-down.
The paranoia will build. I’ll hoard food in my bedroom, liquefying and injecting it directly into my upper bowel for an instant hit. In desperation I’ll lie outside Burger King, rummaging through the bins, threatening to sit on people unless they give me their take-away.
Before each meal I’ll snort salt, rub pepper into my gums, inject vinegar into my veins and smoke a rolled up sachet of tomato ketchup, then shovel the food quickly into my pre-condimented body.
And finally, in desperation when no other source of food can be found to satisfy me, I will grind up my leftovers, mix them with talcum powder and sell them by the ounce at a massive profit.
And then, after selling my soul, gaining 10 stone and earning an eternity in hell, the police will arrest me. In a court appeal I’ll be psycho-analysed and put back on the street with free counseling, free medical support, and free samples of slim-fast!
Fat is back. Viva la Revolution.
