Wednesday, August 22

Harry Potter and the Endless sequel

There was a campaign in Waterstones, when the final Harry Potter book was released, to encourage J.K.Rowling to change her mind, and write more Harry saga's.

I'm curious, as book 7 ends 19 years in the future, after Harry has grown up and married Ginny, and long after Voldermort has been destroyed, exactly what kind of novel worthy adventures Harry can possibly have...

Harry Potter and the Wand of Impotency
They lay in bed. A heavy silence hung in the air as if the room had been hit with the silenco curse. He bit his lip, and looked up at the ceiling. Next to him Ginny sighed and rolled away. It had been the same for the last month, everything was going wrong. His spells had been shooting off too early, his attention wandering, his duties unfulfilled. Clearly he been cursed, but who by and why? And could the blue pills really make everything ok again....

Other releases from Bloomsbury and J.K Rowling

  • Harry Potter and the Parent teacher Conference
  • Harry Potter and the prostate exam
  • Harry Potter and the Christmas Shop (Also available in Latin)
  • Harry Potter and the Babysitter's Club
  • Harry Potter and the Mid Life Crisis
  • Harry Potter and the First Born's Special Announcement
  • Harry Potter and the curse of tax return
  • Harry Potter and the noisy neighbours
  • Harry Potter and the Scooter of Mobility
  • Harry Potter and the Three Wands Home for Elderly Wizards
Readers' Suggestions

Friday, August 17

Forensic fotos

The sailor in the famous photograph of the Times Square kiss, when Victory was annouced over Japan, has finally been identified as 'Glenn McDuffie.'

He was identified, by a forensic artist, from the bones in his forehead and the shape of his ear.

If they can identify you by your forehead bones imagine what else can they identify you by...

Gentlemen, it might be time to get those pictures back off the web.

Thursday, August 16

5 Reasons to be Nice to Telemarketers

The Moaning meme is haunting me.

Being a telemarketer, I have been thrown into Room 101 by my fellow Memers so often that I’ve had an escalator installed. This attack on telemarketers seems somewhat harsh, so I have taken it upon myself to defend my profession.

With my sales skills, I should be able to end the unfair prejudice for ever.

5 Reasons to be Nice to Telemarketers

  1. We can afford our own alcohol.
    Every person in a call centre is one less person on the street begging. Being of a higher class than the homeless however, we do our begging via the phone. And unlike the street-beggars we tell you straight out where your money is going – we’ll be buying alcohol so we can forget the hellish way we earn a living.

  2. We hold back the evil advance of McDonalds
    If we weren't calling you we'd be flipping burgers. And, with our brilliant sales skills, healthy eating wouldn't stand a chance.

  3. We offer free counseling
    Where else can you find hundreds of people who actually expect to take your abuse? In fact, we wait till you’re at your most stressed before ringing, just so you can scream, swear and threaten us until you’ve released all your tension. And we take it all with an empathic smile. It’s only after you've hung up that we start swearing back.

  4. We call your parents more than you do
    It's us who listens to their meandering stories, us who waste our lives away as they hunt for their paperwork, us who help them remember their birth days, us who coax them back to sanity in a gentle but firm tone of voice...

  5. And if none of that works …

  6. We call your parents more than you do.
    Once we get them talking they tell us everything...
    Be nice the next time we ring you, or we be ringing the tabloids instead...
Photo provided by millieudrop on Flickr

Wednesday, August 15

Evil Breeders

I phoned a man at work yesterday called Mr Dack.
First Name Donald.

I can only hope he's forgiven his parents.

Monday, August 13

5 Reasons To visit Britain


Home of Cockney Dialects, drive-by insults and David Beckham's right foot. (His left foot lives permanently in his mouth) But Johnny-Foreigner knows only a little of the wonders of the island that formed, robbed and lost the empire. And as a Brit, it is my job to educate you.

  1. Culture
    Britain is a Cultural cauldron, and boasts some of the finest minds of our time, most of which are in maximum security prisons, or have been shot, lest they open the average punter’s mind and cause a revolution. To make up for this the country mass produces bland commercial literature and music, under such names as J.K.Rowling and the Spice Girls.

    Theatre is the UK’s primary cultural export with almost all their best plays are exported to Broadway where they are rapidly improved and made more glamorous by American Producers.

  2. Shopping
    British is a haven of brand name shops, it’s high-streets being identical to every other high street in the Western World, at three times the standard retail price.

    The shopper after something different may treat themselves to the fashion styles of Marks & Spencer or Primark, the stores largely responsible for the Unique British Fashion which has alienated it’s residents from the rest of the fashionable world.

  3. Cuisine
    Despite its reputation, British cuisine is the finest in the world, serving anything from beef pies to chicken pies and everything in-between.
    Having no style of its own, Britain has stolen several others and claimed them as its own, and a typical British pub will serve anything from Curry to Pizza under the banner of ‘Good old-fashioned home cooking’ which is another way of saying ‘burnt and stodgy.’

    England is especially proud of its meat, which is ‘home grown and bred,’ and as such prey to a large number of diseases, such as Foot and Mouth and BSE. As such British Cattle are now almost as mad as the home grown and bred British Residents.

  4. Weather
    Where else in the world can tourists enjoy 12 hours of glorious rainfall every day and yet still have a hosepipe ban?

    The British are obsessed with the weather; it is their most common conversation topic. However, with typical British reserve they refer to monsoon rains and artic blizzards as ‘a bit wet,’ and ‘a bit cold’ respectively. It is believed that the British have over 30 different words for rain, most of which are unprintable.

  5. People
    From the Inbred royals, to the underground beggars, the people of Britain are what make it great.

    Locking themselves away in the homes, they emerge only to earn money, either by work or mugging elderly civilians, which they use to get drunk. Alcohol is the main social outlet, and a major reason for Britain’s rapidly growing population.

    Don't forget to sample some of our watered down ales to make your stay complete!
Visit Today.

Tomorrow we might not be here.

Sunday, August 12

Why I'm Getting Old... Part 6

You know you're getting old when:
You leave the club early enough to get home and watch BBC Four

Previous Posts
Part 5, Part 4, Part 3, Part 2, Part 1

Monday, August 6

Caption Contest

Thursday, August 2

Start your Engines

Soooo writer blocked.

This blog has re-incarnated as
The Freelance Guru!

Click to be Redirected.