Friday, June 29

Caption Contest Winners

Only Two Winners today,

In Second Place it's Skittles with -
"There will be a raid on Barbie's townhouse at midnight."

And in first place it's Jams O Donnell with -
"Tune in to ESPN tomorrow for another bout of full contact Rock, Paper, Scissors."

Congats Jam! Here's your prize!
The Original Action Man!

Thursday, June 28

Y is for...

Because the calls for my office are routed through our head office, located somewhere in the Mars' wastelands, we are trained to repeat back details in the phonetic alphabet, making up for the lack of quality on the lines.

This has the unfortunate effect of making us sound like we're telling a bad joke about Uncle Charlie doing the Foxtrot in Quebec, and quickly, most of us make up our own phonetic replacements, E. g., A for 'allo 'allo, b for boxers, c for culinary... Sticking to the original phonetics can cause problems.

For example, a few days ago, a new girl was reading back a number plate to a customer. It was a Y plate and she used phonetics, beginning with 'Y for Yankee.'

For some Freudian reason however, she replaced the 'y' in 'yankee' with a 'w.' The result was somewhat unfortunate.

I know a girl who needs to make up her own phonetic alphabet... It would seem however, that she has other things on her mind.

Wednesday, June 27

Caption Contest

"His mother warned him his hand would stay that way if he kept it up."

Winners announced on Friday....

Meme Update

Linda and Angelika added the 5 Things Meme!

I'll give you a cookie if you go check them out.

Will not actually give you a cookie.

Tuesday, June 26

Number 5, not just robot...

I've only gone and been tagged again. Whenn seems to have it in for me...

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:

  1. Daddy Forever
  2. The Ice Box
  3. The Buzz Queen
  4. Opinion Minions
  5. Freelance Cynic
Next select five people to tag:
  1. Shelly
  2. Angelika
  3. Ally
  4. Webmiztris
  5. Linda
THEN answer the following Questions:

What were you doing 10 years ago?
  • I was in grammar school, blissfully unaware that such a thing as real life, bills, and memes existed.
What were you doing 1 year ago?
  • Unpacking in my new flat after I moved to Bristol and wondering if I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. I hadn't. I'm still waiting for that to happen.
Five snacks you enjoy:
  1. Twix bars - Double the pleasure
  2. Milky way magic stars - Chocolate with smiley faces! What more could a guy need.
  3. Cheese and Onion sandwiches - Anything to make my breath smelly.
  4. Toast - Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner
  5. Bananas - mmm Bendy...
Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
Generally speaking I learn lyrics faster than I learn band names. To name but a few...
  1. Sweet child of mine – Guns and Roses
  2. The Masterplan - Oasis
  3. Somewhere that's Green - Little shop of horrors
  4. The Show Must Go On - Queen
  5. Johnny be Good - Chuck Berry
(For some reason my mind learns lyrics without trying. I can also recite Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven off by heart, and not just the Simpson’s version.)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
  1. Have a Massive Wedding to please my hunky
  2. Give some to my family so i can stop worrying about looking after them when they get old.
  3. Go book shopping
  4. See every musical on the West End (Always better than Broadway)
  5. Suddenly discover I have many more friends than i thought I did.
Five bad habits:
  1. Tending to assume I’m always too busy to do menial things like housework
  2. Buying cheese and onion Sandwiches
  3. Hating trash TV yet being strangely addicted to it
  4. Re-editing a post 2 or 3 times after I’ve already posted it.
  5. Mentally judging anyone with a more interesting life than mine as shallow
Five things you like doing:
  1. Writing
  2. Editing my writing
  3. Making money writing
  4. Designing beautiful, intricate websites to host my writing
  5. The normal stuff everyone else likes, theatre, cinema, gym, scaring small children e. t. c.
Five things you would never wear again:
  1. My baby clothes
  2. My really baggy asis t-shirts
  3. Speedos
  4. Anything with a 30" waist
  5. A used condom
Five favourite toys:
Do you mind? My dad reads this blog! Oh you mean like toys? Not like ‘toys’….
  1. My Mobile Phone – Buttony
  2. My PDA – Shiny
  3. My bookcase – Knowledgey
  4. My IPod – Musically
  5. My PC – Crashy

Monday, June 25

Animal Slights

After noting the various ways to deal with street canvassers, I saw a method on the streets that, to be honest, I just hadn't thought of.

Animal Rights Campaigner( to passing woman)
Excuse me Mam, Sign our petition?

No Thank You, I think you're all deluded!

Now why can't I be that honest?

Previous Posts
Part 6, Part 5, Part 4, Part 3, Part 2, Part 1, All

Friday, June 22

Caption Contest Champions

There were so many great entries in the caption contest that I'm going to have to award the best three. And even then I'm stuck as to who to chose...

So in third place for sheer 'Smile Factor' we have Lissa
"Honey, I wash the car today and it didn't cost me anything."

In second place for the caption most fitting to The Freelance Cynic, it's Skittles
"They were so religious they even had their car baptized!"

But in first place, awarded for the most amount of effort put into a Caption contest, (and because my Dad likes it) it's Danielle with this delicious ditty
"Wanted to Fish

That was my Wish

Boat in the shop

But I wouldn't be stopped
I was glum
Already had the chum
I'll be a star
If I fished from my car."

Congratulations Danielle! Here's your Virtual Gift!

(Psst, An additional award for a great line that didn't quite make the top three but made me laugh like a horse for a while, Cmanlong's "Q was slipping." This car didn't float."}

Thursday, June 21

Begging your attention

Whilst walking through London a panhandler came up to my friends and I with this wonderful request,

"Sorry to bother you guys but can you spare some loose change so I can buy a balaclava and a gun, and make some real money?"

Based on the amount of money we gave him that day, I'm sure he's doing just fine...

Previous Posts
Part 5, Part 4, Part 3, Part 2, Part 1, All
This blog now allows search engines to index your comments! A great easy way to build up your links and improve your page Ranking!

Wednesday, June 20

Readers' Caption Competition No 7

"When the Native Bristolians Drank, they found it funny to give tourists misleading directions..."

Winner will be announced on Friday!

Caption Contests
Part 7, Part 6, Part 5, Part 4, Part 3, Part 2, Part 1

Monday, June 18

[Un]Intelligent Design

A respected argument for 'God's existence’ is 'Proof by Intelligent Design.' I.e. 'When we look at the world around us it looks designed. We do not know anything that looks designed which does not have a designer. Therefore there must be a designer, and we will call that designer God.'

I'm not sure why we should call the designer 'God' rather than, say, ‘Cecil.’ But then I’m not a Philosopher; such things our beyond my intelligence.

The proof is logically sound and infallible. I often wonder why it isn't used in courtrooms, 'When we look at the Defendant we see he looks guilty, therefore...'

The difficulty with ‘Proof by intelligent Design’ is that many things which appear designed also appear ridiculous.

Take me for example.

Every day go through an almost identical routine. Firstly I lock the door and leave my flat. A few moments later I unlock, go back into the house and check the windows are shut. I leave again, then turn back and check the lights are switched off. I exit once more, go back to double-check the door is locked, and then, finally, I head to work. I'll be halfway there before I realise I left the iron on.

This is not intelligent. In fact, I am less proof of ‘intelligent design’ than I am proof of a ‘vicious joke’. Something, it seems, is wrong with the theory of intelligent design.
Evolution, however, is just as disappointing. My morning routine, should have evolved out of existence decades before 'the iron' even existed and been replaced by a stronger, manlier gene that closes the windows before leaving the house and understands the off-side rule without needing a 'Shoe shop' analogy.

The fact that my paranoia still exists says evolution no longer works, and it is no longer only the ‘fittest genes’ which are being passed on to the next generation. Almost anyone can have children now, (even ugly people get laid thanks to Friday night 'happy hours') so natural selection fails and the gene pool gets weaker with each generation.

Evolution must evolve to survive, and I've got a horrible feeling I’m the outcome of evolution’s evolution

Having established I am not the fittest of the species, Darwinian selection has decided to end my bloodline, not in the conventional way (Death), but with the last weapon left in it's belt. It is, after all, harder for a man to reproduce when womanly bits make him feel as horny as a castrated camel.

Yes, homosexuality, it seems, is nature’s counter-attack to the Weekend pub crawl.

And suddenly the idea of a creator God with the IQ of a Texican President sounds surprisingly good to me.

I'm left with two conclusions. Either I'm a failed product of Darwinian selection, or I'm the creation of a 'God' who forgets his keys a lot and considers 'worrying' one of the beatitudes. 'Blessed are the worriers for they shall be ever late to work.'

Either way, 'When I look at things around me they appear to be entirely discouraging. Therefore...'

Logically sound remember...


Do you have any examples of unintelligent Design? Is evolution a gift left to us by an alien race? Comment and tell me what you think?
Posts that make you go 'Hmmm...'

Fired Beef

Michael Weston tried to stand up, but was held down by the dead Brazilian Hooker he was tied too.

Outside the cows were roaming, forming a pattern. He wondered if it was going to rain.

Using CIA techniques, he released his wrists. A small motor whirred as he walked to the window. It hadn’t occurred to him that there was a camera. It should have. He was, after all, in the Big Brother house.

The cows were forming lines. They made a shape on the grass like the letter, ‘Y’

The hooker had been cleaning the bathroom. He’d been called to scan for terrorist threats.

The bovine formed a circle, ‘O’. Then a ‘U’. Now it was an ‘R’. Then an ‘E’, the shapes flowing into each other.

She’d torn his shirt off with her teeth. He’d forgotten about the suicide-pill glued to the top button. Shame really. She’d done a great job on the taps.

An ‘F’, an ‘I’, an ‘R’

The camera whirred again. 'Management’ had seen everything. Killing hookers was one thing off duty. But on 'The Job' the rules changed.

On the field outside the cows formed an ‘E’ before moving one last time. The ‘D’ glared up at him from the grass, and mooed.

Throwing his badge from his pocket, he left the house.

He had but one thought in his mind; it was true what people said, the CIA could control cows…

This story is in honour of and sponsored by USA Network's Burn Notice. To find out why Michael really gets fired click to the home page and read all about it.

Friday, June 15

The Answers - 8 Simple rules

Having proven that even my own father doesn't know me I'm now happy to correct you all and give you the answers to the last post.

  1. Despite a hatred of being tagged, I love the attention and get annoyed when people don’t tag me.
    TRUE I feel envious of people who were tagged when I’m not. I’ve spent a serious length of time wondering why they were liked more than me. This, possibly, is a side effect of being a traffic whore.

  2. I was born 6 weeks early with my umbilical chord tied in a 'knot' and my flesh wasting away.
    TRUE Ask my parents. They’ll tell you about it, several times, in great detail, with pictures and slides to highlight the relevant points…

  3. When I was a child I wasn’t allowed to play with Action Men. I got my first Action Man on my 18th Birthday.
    TRUE Action man, He-man and the Thunder Cats were all considered too violent for me as a child. I got my first Action Man on my 18th Birthday by a Church friend who mistakenly thought it would remind me of my youth.

  4. I have never had a Girlfriend.
    FALSE I’ve had several. Possibly a case of learning the hard way

  5. I was caught trying to steal a Yo-Yo from a Newsagent.
    TRUE It was a very cool Yo-yo though…

  6. When I was around 10 I broke two bones in my left arm after falling off a skateboard.
    FALSE I did have a skateboard that wasn’t used much. But I’ve never broken a bone in my body. This meant I never got to stay home from school of to have one of those cool casts that everyone signs their name's on. But then, I wouldn't have had any friends to sign it anyway...

  7. I actually look better in my passport picture than in real life!
    TRUE I couldn't get a copy of my passport photo but imagine a slim, young well dressed me with a sexy half smile on my lips. Then compare it to this...

  8. Despite working in a call centre I hate talking to people on the Telephone.
    TRUE Having a mild stammer and slight lisp that gets several times worse when under pressure or drunk, I hate making even simple phone calls in case I screw up, and especially hate phoning for pizza after I’ve been out drinking.
So to summarize I'm a stammering, shoplifting, call centre employee, with telephonic phobia and a series of failed heterosexual relationships, who is however highly skilled at posing for tiny photographs.

How can you not love me?
Related Posts

Thursday, June 14

8 Simple Fools

I’ve been tagged again. Do you think if I stopped bathing people would stop getting close enough to tag me? Or are serial Taggers like Whenn immune to such things?

I have to tell you 8 random facts about me. I had no idea you were so interested!

  1. Despite a hatred of being tagged, I love the attention and get annoyed when people don’t tag me.
  2. I was born 6 weeks early with my umbilical chord tied in a knot and my flesh wasting away. (The doctors managed to save my life, but I’ve since been told they regret it.)
  3. When I was a child I wasn’t allowed to play with Action Men. I got my first Action Man on my 18th Birthday.
  4. I have never had a Girlfriend.
  5. I was caught trying to steal a Yo-Yo from a Newsagent.
  6. When I was around 10 I broke two bones in my left arm after falling off a skateboard. ( I never used that Skateboard again, much to my parents chagrin)
  7. I actually look better in my passport picture than in real life!
  8. Despite working in a call centre I hate talking to people on the Telephone.
To make this meme more exciting however I’ve included a little challenge. Two of the above statements are false. Can you guess which ones?

I’m not going to tag anyone, but if you want to play along here are the rules.
  1. Include these rules in the post.
  2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
  3. People who are tagged need to write their own post about their eight things and post these rules.
  4. At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
  5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Monday, June 11

Principle the First

How to win friends and influence people
Principle 1: Don't criticise, condemn or complain.
‘Instead of condemning people try to figure out why they do what they do. It's more profitable than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”’

This was surprisingly easy. The rule only applies (or so it seems) to criticising people directly, rather than, say, under your breath like a deranged psychopath. And as I’m a master at the latter option the former is largely superfluous.

For example, I’ve been following Principle 1 at work for as long as I can remember, way before I even knew it existed. When customers annoy me, which usually happens every third call or so, I hang up before criticising them rather than curse a blue streak at them dawn the phone.

Call me old fashioned if you will, but I imagine telling a customer they’re ‘a stupid, senile old biddy who wouldn't know a good insurance deal if it hit them in the face with a wet paving slab,’ would get me fired. And so I say lovely uplifting to the customer instead, then grind my headset into my desk after they hang up.

What do you know? I'm more of a people person than I thought…
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Winning Friends

One of the problems with being a dyed in the wool cynic is that I’m allergic to dye and hate wearing wool. The two together make me break out in a rash, which is especially annoying when I wear my black knitwear Y-fronts.

But also, my cynical persona, which when edited for internet viewing makes me seem suave, intelligent and captivating, is somewhat less appealing in the real world. People don’t stay close friends with me for very long. Obviously they feel threatened by my generally superior personality, and fantastically good looks and thus fade into the background like ex-Big Brother Housemates. This does wonders for my ego but is less welcome when 50 party invites get returned to me marked ‘ADDRESS UNKNOWN”

So I brought ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People.’ I have a dangerous obsession with self help books, which was largely the reason I had to buy a new bookcase. Normally, like all self help book addicts, I read the books once and then put it on my bookcase to make me look smart and self actualized. But this time I’ve decided to follow the exercises and see if it pays off, or at least makes up for the £9 price tag. .

Maybe, if I can master all the techniques, I’ll be the next Richard Branson and not the next Bristol suicide.

So over the next few days, or until I get bored, I will be trying out one tip from the book a day, recording my success, my failures and my general good looks on this page here.

And it begins today with Principle 1: Don’t Criticise, Condemn or Complain

Damn Dale Carnegie taking away the three highlights of my day...

Thursday, June 7

Enough to make you're eyes google

I’ve been cataloguing some of the stranger search terms that have directed unaware children to this horror of a blog. It gives me something to do whilst waiting for the Viagra to kick in.

I can only assume the Google employees are trying to really annoy some local perverts.

  1. The almost Reasonable
    • Gay boyfriend possessive ("Have they met my boyfriend?")
    • Funny reasons for increasing waistline ("Ha freking ha ha")
    • Stroppy men ("You hinting at something, buddy?)

  2. Ewwwwwww!
    • Free nude pictures of petite women between ages 25 to 30 with small breast ("See, perverts do have a good vocabulary")
    • Street prostitutes Bristol ("Odd. I haven't even written about my new job on this yet")
    • Womanly bits ("Eeeeeeww")
    • Cruel mistress digging spur ("WTF?")

  3. Search phrases maybe even I'd use
    • Blow me please (^___^)
    • Nakid Men (^______^)

  4. Thank You!
    • “Guys are prettier" ("Awww. Well aren't you just adorable")
    • Hot naked ("Delusional weirdo")

  5. Say what?
    • Healthy oats ("Who let a horse onto my blog?")
    • Unexplained bumps on head ("Try Childline")
    • Puppy Slaughter ("Why would you search for this?")
    • How do i remove candle wax off my rear projection television ("What? Why were you using your TV as a candle holder? They do them for 99 pence in Ikea! ")

  6. And finally
    • How much does Beyonce weigh? (" . . . what? . . .")
Previous Posts
Part 2, Part 1

Hilarious and Wrong

Espcially hang around for the 'Behind the scenes moment' at the end.

Tuesday, June 5


Damn it.

I've been putting it off for months.
"No I've already got enough online groups." I said
"I'll only stop using it after a week." I said
"I don't even have any friends!" I said

But in the end they made me sign up.

And now, Facebook is my life.

Find me by searching for Simon Hembra.
It may be the only way to get in contact with me for a while...

I'm currently suffering from a form of writers block caused by demanding too much of myself in terms of amazing writing. As soon as I snap out of it I'll let you know.

Friday, June 1


A few days ago, I spent half an hour in a private room with an attractive young man, for a mere £8,000.

I’ve been looking for wedding loans, but like most Englishmen, I hate talking about money, and can only approach the subject after an hour of small talk and 40 cups of tea. This is difficult for me as I hate small talk and am a strict coffee drinker.

In England, if you wish to express your level of wealth you complain about how much everything costs; burglars frequently canvas potential targets by sitting in pubs and seeing who complains the loudest. You do not however, sit down with a complete stranger and discuss it in an open and frank conversation. But having as much financial knowledge as George Bush, I was forced to go ask advice from my bank's loan advisor.

And the thing that scared me most can be summed up in three letters - YSM.

Perhaps I better explain.

My loan advisor is a good looking twenty something male, about 6’, slim build, blue eyes and blond hair. Talking to him petrified me.

It wasn’t his looks that were the problem, In fact, being largely self-absorbed, it wasn’t until I’d left the bank I even realised he was relatively good looking.

The problem was that he belonged to that group of homosapiens of straight men under 30. For ease I’ll call them Young Straight Male’s or YSM for short.

Now most YSM’s are wonderful people, and have given me hours of 'entertainment', often unconsciously. And I’m sure that if you engage them for long enough they enjoy witty conversation about the later works of Mozart. But it can't be avoided that when you first meet them, their talk is limited to roughly four things - sport, cars, woman, and any mixture of the above.

The only thing I know about sport is that I don’t watch it. The only thing I know about cars is that I don’t drive one. And as most straight men don’t keep up with the gossip in Heat, I’m at a loss when talking about women. And so conversation is a dangerous game as they gradually discover my sexual preference and I struggle to appear as manly as possible.

The conversation with my ‘financial advisor’ went like this. The italics represent what I wish I’d said, the roman the wuss answer I actually gave.

‘So getting married huh?’
(Yes! To a lovely, sexy, gorgeous man.) ‘Haha! Yes!’
‘My lady keeps trying to pressure me into that too.’
(Afraid of commitment are you? Typical straight man!) ‘Ah!’
‘I swear she’s planned the whole thing out in vivid detail already.’
(Well you weren't going to actually put any effort in to it were you?) ‘Sound’s familiar.’
‘So, how much was you thinking off.’
(How much you got Punk?) ‘Um, About £8,000,’
‘Expensive Bride huh?’
‘Sound’s about right.’ (Sound’s about right.)
‘Well let’s have a look, but it shouldn’t be a problem. You see the game last night?’
(Unfortunately, I had better things to do, like cleaning out my ears and examining the cotton buds for anomalies.) ‘Um, Nah’ I was out.’
‘You support Arsenal?’
(Well I don’t know about the ‘nal’ part) ‘I’ve watched them a bit this season. Don’t normally though.’
‘Oh? What kind of repayments you thinking about?’
(I have no idea! I’m useless when it comes to this kind of thing. Perhaps you could be a big strong man and help me decide.) ‘Uh…’
‘About £300 a month?’
(Did I ask for your help big mouth? Go back to your TV and watch your brain dead football playing idols chase after a ball like the dogs they are!) ‘Sounds Great.’
‘I suppose you’re paying for it all then are you…?’

It goes on like this. Sometimes I wish I was as camp as a Baz Lurhman movie, at least that way I wouldn't need to get into these kind of conversations. Straight men would avoid me like the plague...

He gave me his card. It had his personal number on it. In a few months time I’ll ring him up an meet up to arrange the loan. Maybe this time, before I meet him, I’ll watch the game, pick up a copy of Auto Trader, and practice fluttering my eyelids.

After all, he is kind of hot.

And I can always do with more 'entertainment.'

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