Saturday, March 17

Shear Paradise

I have a Britney Spears relationship with my barber.

I experience culture shock every time I go; being raised to believe £10 was the right price for a haircut, paying £7 makes me feel wonderfully white trash. The walls are covered in cut-throat razors, newspaper clippings and family portraits; the barbers speak to each other in Arabic (or something), whilst making fun of the customers; and the main clientele have just stepped off the boat.

I seldom go there, partly because I hate spending money and partly because I’m desperately scared of the place. Each time I do however, I ask to have my hair cut short. And for some reason my barber always seems reluctant to do so.

I thought it was communication issues. Being beautifully Asian, with an accent stronger than the average Bristolian’s blood alcohol level, he no doubt considers my Thanet accent (imagine the Queen’s English as spoken by cockneys) as impenetrable as his own, and so neither of us are particularly sure what each other is saying, the same way that you may not be particularly sure of the meaning of this rambling sentence and have to read the whole thing again to get the point.

But he had other reasons for avoiding my shearing desires.

This time I carefully explained the concept of “an inch” to him to make sure he understood and reluctantly, after much questioning, he acquiesced.

I noticed his hands running through my hair, his cold, smooth palms pressing against my scalp. It was exotic. His reflection seemed more handsome than normal; I found myself enamoured to him. Then I realised. He was unintentionally giving me a head massage, his hands sending a heated thrill down my body.

I’m gay. I may lose some of my slower readers for being so blunt, but frankly I can do without them. I’m pretty straight acting (finding camp acting an outmoded theatrical style) but some things, like wearing Pinky and the Brain T-Shirts, may give away my natural tendencies, especially to straight men who, I assume, are on the look out for such things.

And having my head massaged by a tall, dark straight man – well - it felt good.

And that’s why my young masculine barber, whose straight as a Muslim and can spot gay from 50 paces, makes me keep my hair long – so I can’t feel his hands pressing against my scalp, don’t get a strange rush from it, and he doesn’t have to deal with a homosexual’s unwanted and unexpected sudden attraction to him.

That’s why he was reluctant to cut my hair short. That’s why it was so hard to make him do it. And that’s why I’ll be going there more regularly from now on.

At £7 a go it’s the cheapest happy ending I’ve ever had.

I seem to write about the Barbers quite a lot possibly because it's the only contact I have with straight males. Here's an old article on the woes of haircuts from the now archived Freelance Cynic Site


Angelika said...



Maybe I should go to a male barber for a cheap thrill! ;-p

The Freelance Cynic said...

Wow that was some fast commenting! Hopefully your experience with the male barber won't be over so quickly!

Anonymous said...

lmao oh, wow. if only i could have that much fun every time i get my hair done. unfortunately, i always get stuck with the annoyingly chatty middle-aged women (you know, the ones who have ugly, messy hair even though doing hair is what they do for a living). kinda sucks.

glad to hear you're having fun there though.

Suzanne said...

That's it. I'm reading your blog everyday now. :)
And also why I'm going to change my hair stylist..

The Freelance Cynic said...

Hearts - That's like my dream Hairdresser! I only ever get silent stroppy men!

Suzanne - Damn, New I'll have to write something good every day :)

spoon said...

Well if you're going to get a bad cut, you may as well get cheap thrills. I go and get nothing but a bad cut...which is why I can only convince myself to go once a year!

Webmiztris said...

7 bucks, huh? that's some cheap satisfaction! maybe I should start going to a barber. :)

The Freelance Cynic said...

Spoon - Once a year? Your hair must be down to your knees! And you must be in desperate need of sexual release.

WebMiztress - Only if you want a short back and sides!

This Eclectic Life said...

Hilarious! I'll gladly add you as a Technorati favorite! I'm so glad I decided to run through the WW list today. Now, I have to go back and look at the picture you posted (after I bookmark you!). Thanks for a great post.

The Freelance Cynic said...

Many thanks ecceletic! I feel honored to have made a new fan. And if you'd like a head massage let me know...

Karl said...

Heh, yeah, I get it. Course, I have the same experience when a woman cuts my hair, but I get it.

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