Tuesday, March 13

Book-A-Minute

Being a writer (working on a novel I got the idea for two days ago) I am also a very keen reader.

Currently I'm reading Wurthering Heights. I started because it came free on my PDA rather than because of a desire to look posh, but have found myself somewhat obsessed with the trials of Heathcliff and Cathy. I've also found myself mentally phrasing sentences in 19th century tongue,

'Tis no fault of mine that the sales be not forthcoming you blackhearted wench'
However there are certain books that I've never got round to liking. Including the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

I should read them, I know after all the English speaking world is split into two 'Those who've read Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit and those who haven't,' but then it is also split into two by those who believe everything on Living TV, and no one is entirely sure what side is the right side to be on.

But I find the books remarkably dull, and needlessly long. Tolkien describes everything in pathetic amounts of detail.
"On the way, there was a leaf which had fallen like a feather from a tree, and not wishing to crumble it's delicate frame, which was browning in the first breaths of autumn, the Fellowship walked around it, placing one foot in front of the other, as was the custom until they reached the other side. "

Thankfully, I have found someone who agrees with me - Book-A-Minute SF/F

Here are their definitions of the three books.

The Fellowship of the ring
Gandalf
Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.
Bilbo Baggins
It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!! MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are attacked by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)

Elrond
Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring to where he lives.
(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES in the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form having triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie where the guy comes back as a DOG.)

Boromir
Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.
Frodo
No.
Boromir
What have I done? (dies)

The two Towers
(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)

The Return of The King

Aragorn
We must travel the Paths of the Dead.
Eowyn
You'll die.
(They don't.)

Gandalf
The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith.
(They don't.)

Gandalf
We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed.
(They aren't.)

Gollum
Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)
Frodo
The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.
Sam
Buck up, Master Frodo.
(A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save EVERYBODY.)

That's the kind of length they should have been written in the first place...

16 comments:

spoon said...

You are sooo right...i tried about a trilogy of times to read The Lord and his nose rings and gave up everytime. I like the wench speak, it's bound to get attention from co-workers!

Webmiztris said...

I totally agree. I've tried to read The Hobbit. It just didn't grab me AT. ALL.

The Freelance Cynic said...

Glad to see I'm not alone, although I must say the Hobbit was the one book I managed to squirm my way through!

♥ktbangs said...

i liked the Hobbit, but the second half got kinda confusing with all the caves and dragons and dwarves and whatnot. i think i was waiting for frodo to appear at some point. or maybe it was lotr i was reading after all. hmm. i guess i'll never know.

the movies are slightly long-winded too but at least we get to stare at elijah wood, viggo mortenson, orlando bloom and liv tyler for 9 hours. (more than that if you get the special edition dvds.)

Angelika said...

Wuthering Heights is a piece of shit.

Lord of the Rings was good!

Ps said...

I havent read 'lord of the rings either' (and I consider myself an avid reader!)
Have you read "time traveller's wife?" I read it recently and found it very moving.

Scarlet said...

1. I hope that wont be the writing style you will follow. lol.

2. I tried Lord of the Rings... several times. And each time I stopped futher and further in. It was an all-in-one edition. It was like trying to hold the entire New York and California phone books in one hand!!!

etain_lavena said...

whahahahaha...in/out before we even knew....:)
I have not read the books either, I also started once.....but it is too heavy to hold up in bed...and it was boring....so heavy and boring....no read:)

The Freelance Cynic said...

Hearts - I agree. I hate a friend at Uni who looked just like Elijah wood and I got the biggest crush on him. Unfortunatly, it caused his ribs to puncture his lungs and he never fully recovered from it.

Angelika - Time will tell. Up until wurthering heights has lasted a lot longer that LOTR. But then saying that so has the bible...

Ps - Cant say I have. Have added it to my to read list. Who is it by?

Scarlet - I tried to read an Electronic version on my old Palmtop, and even that seemed to heavy to read.
As for my writing style it seems to me that the overwhelming factor in this is not my writing style itself but the method of which I choose to portray my inner emotions, of which there is a complex deep and confusing multilayer of paradoxes like a peice of paper folded back on itself many times, onto the prinited form so it may go forth into the world and seek it's target. Then a Hobbit appeared...

Etain - Heavy and Boring? Like a oil drill?

jonathan said...

i think the debate of LOTR vs Wuthering heights can be summe dup thusly.

would Kate Bush ever write a song about any of tolkeins ouvre?

think about it people!

jonathan said...

i think the debate of LOTR vs Wuthering heights can be summed up thusly.

would Kate Bush ever write a song about any of tolkeins ouvre?

think about it people!

Pickled Olives said...

I read the Hobbit when I was 10. Then I read the trilogy when I was 11. I fear my perspective has warped over time. I am a huge fan!

The Freelance Cynic said...

Jonathon - So True you had to to say it twice

Olives - You know, 11 year olds also think Fairys are real

Pickled Olives said...

Gasp!!! They're not???

The Freelance Cynic said...

Um, not if you clap your hands and say 'I believe in fairys'

Dale said...

I nearly collapsed a lung trying to balance the all in one edition of Lord of The Rings in bed. Maybe I need better sleeping partners? Never finished it but loved the movies. I always found Stephen King guilty of the 50 page leaf drop as well.

My favourite LOTR vs. Star Wars discussion was in the movie Clerks 2 and can be seen here.

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