Walk this way

Recently, I’ve been trying out some techniques to improve my Self-esteem.

For example, rather than staring at the pavement, I now hold my head up high as I walk down the street.

The result seems to be that I trip over a lot more...

More Quick Hits

• Animal Slights
• Begging Your Attention
• Make your eyes Google

Principle the First

How to win friends and influence people
Principle 1: Don't criticise, condemn or complain.
‘Instead of condemning people try to figure out why they do what they do. It's more profitable than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”’

This was surprisingly easy. The rule only applies (or so it seems) to criticising people directly, rather than, say, under your breath like a deranged psychopath. And as I’m a master at the latter option the former is largely superfluous.

For example, I’ve been following Principle 1 at work for as long as I can remember, way before I even knew it existed. When customers annoy me, which usually happens every third call or so, I hang up before criticising them rather than curse a blue streak at them dawn the phone.

Call me old fashioned if you will, but I imagine telling a customer they’re ‘a stupid, senile old biddy who wouldn't know a good insurance deal if it hit them in the face with a wet paving slab,’ would get me fired. And so I say lovely uplifting to the customer instead, then grind my headset into my desk after they hang up.

What do you know? I'm more of a people person than I thought…

Related Posts

• How to Win Friends and Influence People
  

Like the Cynic? Join the Mailing List or get the RSS Feed

Winning Friends

One of the problems with being a dyed in the wool cynic is that I’m allergic to dye and hate wearing wool. The two together make me break out in a rash, which is especially annoying when I wear my black knitwear Y-fronts.

But also, my cynical persona, which when edited for internet viewing makes me seem suave, intelligent and captivating, is somewhat less appealing in the real world. People don’t stay close friends with me for very long. Obviously they feel threatened by my generally superior personality, and fantastically good looks and thus fade into the background like ex-Big Brother Housemates. This does wonders for my ego but is less welcome when 50 party invites get returned to me marked ‘ADDRESS UNKNOWN”

So I brought ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People.’ I have a dangerous obsession with self help books, which was largely the reason I had to buy a new bookcase. Normally, like all self help book addicts, I read the books once and then put it on my bookcase to make me look smart and self actualized. But this time I’ve decided to follow the exercises and see if it pays off, or at least makes up for the £9 price tag. .

Maybe, if I can master all the techniques, I’ll be the next Richard Branson and not the next Bristol suicide.

So over the next few days, or until I get bored, I will be trying out one tip from the book a day, recording my success, my failures and my general good looks on this page here.

And it begins today with Principle 1: Don’t Criticise, Condemn or Complain

Damn Dale Carnegie taking away the three highlights of my day...

Previous Posts

• Shelved
• Building Bridges
• Young Straight Males
  

Deep Thinner

Encased in a pair of ear-phones that belonged to an 80's radio DJ before I brought them for £4.95 at Tesco, I laid back on the pillow, pulled the duvet up and pressed play.

All in all, there are more strenuous ways to lose weight.

It’s been noticeable for a while, even if only when I’m naked in front of a mirror, a situation I avoid as mirrors are expensive; I’m definitely gaining weight.

Now I’m never been slim, except maybe when I was born but I’ve repressed any memory of that, possibly because it involved female genitalia. Recently however, my waist line has been increasing faster than Bush’s Disapproval rating.

I tried to fight it. I went to the gym at least once a month. I drank diet coke with my McDonald's. I even gave serious thought to the prospect of considering the possibility of doing some sit ups.

Finally however, I’d had enough. Holding onto my stomach to keep my balance, I waddled to the book shop and brought McKenna's, 'I can make you thin,’ A book and CD full of ‘simple techniques to help you lose weight.'

The first technique goes like this

'Imagine in your head a picture of yourself as a thin person.'

I have several problems with this.

Firstly, I don't have the slightest idea what I would look like as a thin person. I find it hard enough to remember what I looked like two minutes ago.

I can picture my face thin based on a picture of myself some years ago, but as to the rest of me I can only look at other role models and mix and match. I imagine myself with Peter Andre's chest, Steve Irwin's legs, (a simple transplant) and Barbie's waistline

As I find it impossible to imagine myself with a thin neck I leave that part out.

The end result suggests I cut body parts out of a magazine and put them together with split pins. The thin me has a strong, manly, pair of legs tapering to a razor thin waist. On the hips sits a rippled torso straining to balance an oversized, but thin, neckless-head on its shoulders.

The instructions continue,

'Now walk into that new you. How does it feel?'

...like if I move too quickly my head will fall off...

'Imagine how you would go about your daily tasks at work.'

What? Are you suggesting that losing weight will mean I can enjoy my work more? Finally, I will be able to dial that phone without my 10lb of flab holding me back! Finally, I can make it to the water cooler without the use of two sticks and a forklift truck! A thin me would go about my daily tasks the same way the fat me does, perhaps with tighter trousers on to show off my firm 'Australianesque' butt...

'Take a moment to really enjoy this sensation...'

...then go back to your miserable little life you fat pointless drain on society. Stop sitting around cramming your face full of chocolate and day dreaming all day and get some exercise!

My mind tends to wonder during these exercises.

In the end I worry so much about getting the exercises wrong that I forget what I’m supposed to be doing and the mind programming fails. Instead of waking up feeling refreshed and alert I wake up feeling depressed and fat.

And so, to stop myself feeling that way, I nip to the kitchen and fix myself a sandwich.

I put the CD and book on EBay. The current bid stands at 29p. It's a good offer.

I'll keep the headphones for now. They have a good sound quality and are particularly good at bringing to life my substantial collection of internet pornography.

And all in all, there are more strenuous ways to lose weight...

Recent Weight loss Worries

• It's Life Gym
• The Gym week

Have you claimed your stake at 250 free blog hits? Link to the Freelance Cynic or add it to your Technorati favourites now to take part. Click here to find out more.

Gym Duracell Bunny competitor

I had every intention of going to the gym today, I just never got round to waking up early enough to do it.

In my eyes the extra sleep is almost as good as a full cardio workout anyway...

Hunger Shock

I brought myself a new PDA this weekend, part of my intention being that I could use it to update this blog. Instead I've spent the last few days playing with the PDA. Sorry. I have however, gained an amazing score on Space Trader.

1. Talk
2. Get off the Web
3. Get Healthier
4. Leave the House
5. Join some Clubs
6. Say Yes
7. Spoil Myself

Walking home from the gym the other day, munching an apple on the way, I planned to go to Tesco (God of all supermarkets) and get some healthy, but easy, food for dinner.
I was heading down the aisle towards the ready meals when I walked past the eggs.
Now I love eggs and my love affair with them is powerful. Looking back over my life it is one long story of egg. I could happily eat 12 a day if my boyfriend would let me and still be up for an egg mayo sandwich as a midnight snack. Which is why it was somewhat odd, when I decided I didn't want them.

Baffled I walked on. The cake section was the same, the pizzas too, even the chocolate seemed unappealing, and then I realised a very bizarre thing. I wasn't hungry.

I am always hungry. It is very rare to hear to my stomach growling but mostly because I never give it a chance to. I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm tired, I eat when food is put in front of me, and hunger has never really played a part in it, more a kind of reflex action involving my hand and face. But standing next to the chocolate display in Tesco (PBUH) I realised I wasn't hungry. The apple had filled me up. And I went to the ready meals, got an Indian (a meal, not an actual resident of India), came home, put it in the oven and nearly forgot about it.

Something is beginning to take effect. I'm hoping it isn't the flu virus....

(P.S. Over the next few days, l had a fry up, a pizza, and a Burger King, so it may not be quite the revelation I was hoping for. But I didn’t eat all the chips so maybe all is not lost…)

Gym Duracell Bunny

1. Talk
2. Get off the Web
3. Get Healthier
4. Leave the House
5. Join some Clubs
6. Say Yes
7. Spoil Myself

I have been to the gym four times this week and I am going again today. I am completely knackered, my legs are about to give out in a congealed mess of blood and skin below me, I’m finding it hard to raise my arms to type and I occasionally slip into a dream world between reps where working out is a federal offence, but I'm seeing it through.

And it is an amazing feeling, on par with making your partner orgasm before you do.

Not that I've had much chance for that recently. I have, after all, been spending all my free time at the gym...

A Miracle on Park Street...

1. Talk
2. Get off the Web
3. Get Healthier
4. Leave the House
5. Join some Clubs
6. Say Yes
7. Spoil Myself

I went out with my work mates last night drinking!
To those who may not understand why that statement is being exclaimed allow me to elaborate.

• Last night - a Wednesday! Even though I'm working today!
• Went out - I do not go out. I prefer to sit and watch TV or surf blogs trying to find the well written ones.
• I – the nominative singular pronoun, used by a speaker in referring to himself or herself.
• Work mates - I haven't had ‘work mates’ since I moved to Bristol, and I prefer not to mix my work and social (or lack of) life, but last night I went out drinking with people from work.
• Drinking! – Imbibing of poisonous toxins for pleasure and sexual gain.

And I loved it. Really - even though my friend and I started drinking early ad probably made complete tits of ourselves. But then that is the purpose of alcohol in this country.
And I made myself leave early so I could wake up in time to go the gym today!

Gym!

1. n a building or room designed and equipped for indoor sports, exercise, or physical education. (gymnasium)
2. n An English male name as spelt by dyslexics
   

What is going on with me? A month ago I would have hated the idea of going, refused to get drunk, sat in a corner and not spoken to anyone, and left at about 10:00. But last night I really enjoyed myself, had a few drinks chatted to everyone and left at the reasonable hour of 11:30 but only because it's a school night and I'm going to the gym today. (I also had Nandos for Dinner, but we won't tell anyone that...)

I think, maybe, someone should get me Doctor; there is clearly some strange sociable creature that has taken over my brain,
And at this rate it will probably take over my liver too.

Review of Week 2 - Get off the Web.

1. Talk
2. Get off the Web
3. Get Healthier
4. Leave the House
5. Join some Clubs
6. Say Yes
7. Spoil Myself

The last week has not been a success.

I’ve lied to myself, stared at a blank computer screen, tidied my room, bathed and ate - pretty much a normal week except for the whole tidying my room and bathing thing.

Other than that all I’ve really done is read, and my books can’t take many more rereads before they fall apart enough to be sold on Amazon.

This may have been the wrong point to try this stage. After all, there’s no benefit in spending time off the web if I don’t have anything else to fill the gap with; I just get bored in a whole new way, kind of like watching the latest bond movie.

And I’m bored right now, which is why this looks it was written by a catholic monk. I imagine they must get quite bored too.

After all, monks don’t have the Internet…

Review of week 1 - Talk

1. Talk
2. Get off the Web
3. Get Healthier
4. Leave the House
5. Join some Clubs
6. Say Yes
7. Spoil Myself

Lessons learned this week.

• The only way to be confident is to be confident
• The only way to change is to be start making changes.
• And the only thing stopping me is a fear of making mistakes
  

Also

• My colleagues and I fear drunken louts.
• One way to change depressive thoughts is positive mental reinforcement and chocolate
• And a good way to hold a meaningful conversation is to talk to a gay man.
  

More importantly, I learnt the one person I can always talk to is my boyfriend, even if he doesn’t always understand what I’m saying. One hour of ranting and pouring my heart out to him and the world seems that little bit brighter again. It’s like Prozac, which is possibly what he takes after listening to me.

It’s been harder than I thought to face parts of me I don’t like, harder still to start changing them, and even harder than that to make it funny enough for this blog.

But, the first step has been a success. I made a new friend, I’m more comfortable talking to my work colleagues, I got a sale and I found refuge and a whole new kind of love and acceptance in the arms of my man.

And best of all, I found that challenging myself can be fun. Even if it does make for incredibly dull reading.

Aversion Therapy

Oh, I see! I try to talk to people and you guys get jealous and stop talking to me!
Or, maybe I’m just being boring at the moment. Geez…

1. Talk
2. Get off the Web
3. Get Healthier
4. Leave the House
5. Join some Clubs
6. Say Yes
7. Spoil Myself

So I spoke to people at work. It wasn’t as I imagined. I am, for example, still alive.

They were discussing aversion tactics when threatened by a drunken lout. Now, I consider myself an expert on this, having been in several bars and not being beaten up in any of them. Plus, having read Derren Brown's, Tricks of the Mind, I know rather a good way to get out of it.

The trick is to talk about something completely different. For example, if being threatened with a knife you talk about the monsoon season in Bangladesh. “It rains for months you know! And because they’ve cut down loads of trees everything gets flooded as well. The water is like this high.” The confident randomness makes you appear unafraid and in a place of power whilst confusing your assailant and giving you time to get away.

I mentioned this in the conversation, but due to nerves, intimidation and trying too hard to seem intelligent it sounded like this. ‘You know Derren Brown system to it make strange speak no sense make burble-weep.’

They looked at me for a moment, confused and intimidated (proving at least that it works.) ‘Yeah!’ they said, and went back to ignoring me.

Luckily, there’s a gay guy sitting with our team at the moment so I spoke to him about gaydar profiles and butts instead…

That, at least, is something I am an expert on.