Deep Thinner

Encased in a pair of ear-phones that belonged to an 80's radio DJ before I brought them for £4.95 at Tesco, I laid back on the pillow, pulled the duvet up and pressed play.

All in all, there are more strenuous ways to lose weight.

It’s been noticeable for a while, even if only when I’m naked in front of a mirror, a situation I avoid as mirrors are expensive; I’m definitely gaining weight.

Now I’m never been slim, except maybe when I was born but I’ve repressed any memory of that, possibly because it involved female genitalia. Recently however, my waist line has been increasing faster than Bush’s Disapproval rating.

I tried to fight it. I went to the gym at least once a month. I drank diet coke with my McDonald's. I even gave serious thought to the prospect of considering the possibility of doing some sit ups.

Finally however, I’d had enough. Holding onto my stomach to keep my balance, I waddled to the book shop and brought McKenna's, 'I can make you thin,’ A book and CD full of ‘simple techniques to help you lose weight.'

The first technique goes like this

'Imagine in your head a picture of yourself as a thin person.'

I have several problems with this.

Firstly, I don't have the slightest idea what I would look like as a thin person. I find it hard enough to remember what I looked like two minutes ago.

I can picture my face thin based on a picture of myself some years ago, but as to the rest of me I can only look at other role models and mix and match. I imagine myself with Peter Andre's chest, Steve Irwin's legs, (a simple transplant) and Barbie's waistline

As I find it impossible to imagine myself with a thin neck I leave that part out.

The end result suggests I cut body parts out of a magazine and put them together with split pins. The thin me has a strong, manly, pair of legs tapering to a razor thin waist. On the hips sits a rippled torso straining to balance an oversized, but thin, neckless-head on its shoulders.

The instructions continue,

'Now walk into that new you. How does it feel?'

...like if I move too quickly my head will fall off...

'Imagine how you would go about your daily tasks at work.'

What? Are you suggesting that losing weight will mean I can enjoy my work more? Finally, I will be able to dial that phone without my 10lb of flab holding me back! Finally, I can make it to the water cooler without the use of two sticks and a forklift truck! A thin me would go about my daily tasks the same way the fat me does, perhaps with tighter trousers on to show off my firm 'Australianesque' butt...

'Take a moment to really enjoy this sensation...'

...then go back to your miserable little life you fat pointless drain on society. Stop sitting around cramming your face full of chocolate and day dreaming all day and get some exercise!

My mind tends to wonder during these exercises.

In the end I worry so much about getting the exercises wrong that I forget what I’m supposed to be doing and the mind programming fails. Instead of waking up feeling refreshed and alert I wake up feeling depressed and fat.

And so, to stop myself feeling that way, I nip to the kitchen and fix myself a sandwich.

I put the CD and book on EBay. The current bid stands at 29p. It's a good offer.

I'll keep the headphones for now. They have a good sound quality and are particularly good at bringing to life my substantial collection of internet pornography.

And all in all, there are more strenuous ways to lose weight...

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