Saturday, April 7

Look After the Pennies...

Like many Coastal towns Dawlish is suffering from rising sea levels and may soon be lost to the sea.

But Dr Richard Mangrove of the Dawlish Investigation into Coastal Erosion (DICE) has a solution.

According to a paper published by him in the Church Newsletter scientists have been addressing the wrong issue. The problem is not global warming as normally cited.

“I first thought of it when I was walking past the wishing well in town,” Dr Mangrove told us in an exclusive interview, “and suddenly it all made sense. It was the wishes that were causing the damage."

He believes that trillions of pennies thrown by wishers into rivers, lakes and wells worldwide have been washed into the sea, causing water to be displaced.

"A single penny is only around 6.28 x 10-13 m3 so it may seem one wish is no more than a drop in the ocean. But over time, like interest, it begins to mount up." In 2006 sea levels rose by almost two millimetres.

“100 years ago people were poorer and a penny couldn’t be wasted,” he explained, sitting by the now boarded-up well that first gave him the idea, “But what with inflation, and an increased belief in Wicca, people are more eager than ever to throw coins, runes and magical amulets into flowing water than ever before. And that will be the end of us all.”

The World Governments are keenly seeking solutions based on this new understanding.

Current plans involve installing magnets on the bottom of vessels to recover the coins from river and ocean beds, an idea which has rapidly gained popularity despite the fact that most world currency is not magnetic.

There is no agreement as yet as to what the recovered money, if any, will be used for. The Chancellor of the Exchequer however, has reported that it ‘will not be used to make dreams come true.’

England and parts of America will also be launching an advertising campaign urging people to ‘Wish upon a Bank.’

As for Dr Mangrove, he had but one wish left to make. “Every time people have a wish, every time they dream, and every time they just want to make a splash in a flowing stream, a little bit of Dawlish disappears into the sea,” he said. “All I wish is that people will stop making wishes forever.”

And taking a penny out of his pocket, he kissed it and embraced it tightly in his hand, before turning away and depositing it into his bank account.

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Mr. Fabulous said...

I throw quarters, so I am not part of the problem.

Scarlet said...

But his theory forgets about the millions and millions of fish we take yearly from the sea. And with all the lead/poisons in the fish, surely we are taking the metals back out of the sea too.

My theory?
Global warming = warmer sea,
Global warming = warmer air, therefore the land mass in shrinking (like a jumper washed in hot water then placed in a tumble dryer!). So we are washing the planet to Death. Stay DIRTY!!

Oops, time for my medication. . .

look at the pretty pixies......

Anonymous said...

now i feel horrible for those loonies i threw (yeah, i know, lush. but i really really wanted those wishes to come true!)(they haven't, in case you were wondering.) just imagine how much water they must displace...

oh wait, you're not canadian, do you actually know how big a loonie is? it's HUGE. although we're lucky they're not toonies. if they had been we'd all be underwater right now.

The Freelance Cynic said...

Mr Fab - Quarters. I miss Quarters. Makes so much more sense than the UK coinage system. I will start looking in streams near your house to see if I can find some of the ones you threw away.

Scarlet. Pixies - It's the Pixies that do it! Of Course!

&Heartz - If they were toonies wouldn't you be done for cartoon slaughter too?

mist1 said...

I do not support the efforts of the Dawlish Investigation into Coastal Erosion. In fact, just last week I was arrested for peacefully demonstrating outside of their headquarters. I carried a sign that read "No Dice."

ally said...

back in the day, i remember a penny can buy penny candy. gawd, i'm getting on in years...

happy easter!!!

Angelika said...


etain_lavena said...

yes yes...that makes sense....ja ja....I am sure that will solve it all...even world hunger;)

Webmiztris said...

well, if they'd stop making pennies (which are useless anyway), we'd stop throwing them away!!

spoon said...

No frikkin crazy ways!

The Freelance Cynic said...

Mist1 - That Was you? He mentioned there were some lunatics protesting against it.

Ally - Penny candy? You mean £1 candy right?

Angelika - I can't believe it, you've never been this far away from home.

Etain - Sure, you can eat pennies right?

Webmiztress - then how woudld the goverment get our DNA?

Spoon - Say what?

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