Tuesday, April 3

Moi 'otel

The Hotel my boyfriend and I stayed at last weekend was in Southwark (pronounced Suthfok rather than South-Wark as it obviously should be.)

Its website proudly declares that the staff speak “11 different languages,” which I imagined would add a touch of class.

However, It wasn’t till we went down for dinner that I discovered none of the languages were English.

“Table for two please.”
She looked at me, questioningly, counting in her head.
“But you are one no?”
I turned around to discover my boyfriend had wondered off to the reception desk, leaving me alone and stupid looking.
“No, I’m with him,” pointing vaguely in his direction.
“Ah, Your room Nuhmber?”
“And your Name?”
“Simon Hembra,’
“Simon ‘ampsell?”
“No! No, Hotel…Echo…Mike…”
“No-no ‘otel Novotel Southwark…”
Finally my boyfriend walked up to join us.
“And ‘is room nuhmber?’
“Oh it’s the same.’
“The same?”
"You are in the same room?"
She eyed us suspiciously, memorising our faces so she could ignore us later.
“Follohw me please.”
And with a French two step she led us to a table suspiciously far away from the other ‘otel guests…

Funny really. I had no idea my last name was that offensive.


Dale said...

She eyed us suspiciously, memorising our faces so she could ignore us later.

That's comedy gold my friend!

Anonymous said...


gotta love those frenchies. was it a nice stay, anyway?

Imma ( Alice) said...

It must have been your last name... or maybe you had something in your teeth.

Hope it was a good dinner and a great stay at the 'otel.

Anonymous said...

A fabulous post! You're on my Blogroll!


Webmiztris said...

maybe you read her wrong. maybe she was just trying to give you two a nice quiet/romantic table away from everyone else!

nah. you're right.

she was probably just a bitch. :)

The Freelance Cynic said...

Dale - Thank you! :) I thoroughly intend to write a short sketch about it. With dramatic music to add affect.

Hearts & Imma - Was a lovely weekend, which i will post about soon I'm sure...

Giving Voice - Flattered :) Thank you

Webmiztress - Thank's for your support. Bloody frogs...

Housewife said...

$20 says she speaks the Queens English and also maintains a blog site.

Try a google search for, "how I fucked with a couple o' queers at work today."

Angelika said...


JB said...


Gotta love those hotel staff.

Jonathan said...

along simialr lines to Simons real life experience this was an email that did the rounds at my office a while ago.

This just cracked me up! - say it 'phonetically'

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Kuala Lumpa, Malaysia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

>Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

>Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

>RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

>G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

>RS: "Ow July den?"

>G: "What??"

>RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

>G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

>RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

>G: "Crisp will be fine."

>RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

>G: "What?"

>RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

>G: "I don't think so."

>RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

>G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

>RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

>G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an

>English muffin will be fine."

>RS: "We bodder?"

>G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

>RS: "Wad! ?"

>G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

>RS: "Copy?"

>G: "Excuse me?"

>RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

>G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

>RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

>G: "Whatever you say."

>RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

>G : "You're very welcome

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