Intervi-ewww

I applied for a new job recently. I had to. My current one is killing me.

At present, I spend 7 hours a day annoying old women by offering them home insurance. It’s impossible to hit my target and, being a bad loser, is sending me running for cliff edges like a bewildered lemming.

So I applied internally to work in claims.

I’m meticulous at interview preparation, especially when trying to escape death. So I re-read the Job Spec, asked others what to expect, worked out answers to all possible questions, mentally rehearsed them, clipped my nails and arrived 5 minutes early.

And the first question he asked me was ‘What do you know about the company?’

I was stuck. Being an internal interview I wasn’t expecting this. After all, I already worked for the company, why should I regurgitate a cheap sales pitch to impress my interviewer? What kind of internal interview quizzes you on why you want to work for the company you’re already in?

I mumbled out an excuse instead and waited for him to move on.

‘What achievement are you most pleased of in your work?’

Now I could win it back. In my previous job as Duty manager of a chain store, I had years of customer service skill. Over 3 years I was promoted quicker than any of my peers, given more responsibility than those 3 times my age. I was the first person called on to handle customer complaints, was in charge of some of the busiest sale periods, respected by over 20 staff, and, most excitingly, held the store keys.

I opened my mouth to speak, when he added, ‘…since you joined our company?’

And I was flummoxed again. I sell insurance. I annoy people. I exaggerate features and benefits to hide the fact that our price is 3 times higher than other insurers. What could I possibly say I’d achieved?

‘Um, I managed to overcome my stammer, which was threatening my sales call when I first started.’

He paused for a moment and said, ‘O.K.,’ then turned back to his notes.

It was the same throughout the interview, ‘What experience have you gained for this role since you joined our Company?’ ‘How hove you shown Passion for your work since you joined our Company?’ Even ‘How do you cope with a busy day in your current role since you joined our Company.’ I make outbound Calls! How can any day be busier than another? I have days where people shout at me more often if that’s what you mean.

At the end of the interview I hadn’t had a chance to mention any of my relevant experience, the reason they should employ me, or even the fact that I have an NVQ in active listening, am a brilliant empathiser, and really want to work in customer service. Not a single question I had prepared for came up. I wanted to shout, ‘Do you know what an Outbound Sales role is like, you ignorant jackass? Do you really think I go home every night with a passionate sense of achievement burning in my soul? Well I don’t! I go home with a burning anger and take it out on my boyfriend!’

He stood up, thanked me and pointed the way out of the building. I left the room and got lost, before heading back to my office, the failed Computer Science graduate who spent his life talking to geriatrics for £8 an hour.

I’m expecting to get feedback next week. I’m dreading it.

He’ll come into the feedback room, sit me down and offer me a coffee. Then referring copiously to his notes he’ll look at me and, in so many words, call me an idiot.

Still, it’ll only be since I joined the Company...

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• Technical Design