Monday, May 7

Phat

My employer, an international capitalist, has declared its workers are too fat.

I can only assume it was a slow year…

Other companies have developed lunchtime workout classes, morning yoga sessions and healthier canteen food. But my company knows its staff; it created a competition.

Of course they're not calling it that, the same way they don't call us 'worker drones.' it’s a ‘sponsored weight loss.’ For every pound lost between now and June 21st they will pay £1 to Breast Cancer UK. After all, breast cancer affects woman and overweight men alike.

As Salesmen, this is another chance to prove our superiority! Conveniently this happens to be our favorite thing in the world and bets are already circulating on the greatest dieter, our second favorite thing being taking money from gullible fools.

For me, it’s another round in the fight against my six pack insulation, my attempts with Paul McKenna and the Gym failing. This time it may actually work. The reason I don’t beat the belly is because I have no real reason too and, more importantly, I'm lazy. I already know I could do it if I wanted too why waste my time proving it to myself? But to have an adjudicator, someone writing the figures down, and the chance of making a fool of myself in front of the entire workplace, well, failure is not an option.

If I gain weight I’ll end up stealing money from the charity and that can't do my karma any good!

So I weighed myself, 13 stone precisely or a perfectly disgusting 182 lbs

If a fat person can lose a stone a month, by the time June 21st comes around I'll be a hunky 11 stone 7, or 161 lb, a reasonable aim, unless I fly out to Malaysia for a quick tummy-tuck. That’s my goal and if I can beat it even better. Being the best dieter in the office will do wonders for my ego.

However, I'll tell people at work I’m 'not that bothered' otherwise they may try that little bit harder and end up beating me. And as a salesman, I’d rather see my friends get fat than face the shame of defeat.

And, worse still, if I seem to take it too seriously, they may even think I’m gay…

6 comments:

spoon said...

Ha ha - you crack me up!
This seems like good incentive though...think I should join your fat drive. I need to do something about these jowels!

Webmiztris said...

What about the waifs? Can they hae a dollar donated for each pound they gain? I'm just saying - it should work both ways...LOL

Paul said...

Trying to lose a stone could get me stoned ! :) Good luck !

Dale said...

Put me on the company payroll. Only I'm not paying anyone my snack money. As soon as I hit my goal weight, I'm pigging right back out. Not smart but I never claimed to be.

Thoughloversbelost said...

I'd worry about having an excess of neck these days, but, hell, I'm over 40, it's time for gravity to take it's toll :) (look out below!!)

This Eclectic Life said...

Ppphhht! I'm happy to talk as if I'd go on a diet. If you actually stay on it and lose, I will, too. You have to go first.

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