Tuesday, July 17

Home Remedies

Inspired by this site, which recommends holding a raw steak against your eye, or imagining cigar smoking women, I have decided to recommend some alternative home remedies of my own.

It’ll be nice to know I’ve made the world a better place.

Corns

Corns are useful for guitar playing, but only if you strum with your toes. They are normally caused by ill fitting shoes, so to prevent walk everywhere in slippers. It may also help to start using a plectrum as well.
Depression
Forget paying out for expensive anti-depressants or counselling. As Jean-Paul Satre could tell you, depression is ‘other people.’ Avoid them! Mix up 2 pints of larger with 6 shots of Vodka and soak your throat and stomach repeatedly. The depression should temporarily disappear within 30 minutes to an hour.
Hay fever
Hay fever is caused by breathing in pollen to which the body is allergic. Thus, to avoid hay fever, stop breathing.
Head lice
Head lice are parasitic creatures much like us, and can be killed the same way. Varying methods for removing Head Lice are lethal injection, firing squad, or hanging.
However, the most effective method is suffocation. Hold your head under water for an hour, or until all the head lice have floated to the surface.
Poor Sex Life
Go to your e-mail and open the first e-mail entitled ‘Do you want a Bigger Penis?’ Take with a credit card. Sex should improve within 6 – 8 weeks.
(May have side-effects if you’re a woman)
Tooth-ache
Toothache is caused by cavities formed by bacteria.
Detol kills 99% of bacteria. Dead.
Gargle 3 items a day until the symptoms disappear.

7 comments:

Mom not Mum said...

Well I have to say the next time the "hair fairies" visit my daughter I'm just guessing she won't let me hold her head under water for an hour. LOL

Linda said...

If you don't want to hold your head under water for an hour, a quicker method would be to soak your head with kerosene and then ignite with a match. Allow to burn until all hair has been incinerated and head is blistering then extinguish.

VoilĂ ! Lice are gone!

Webmiztris said...

lmao! great advice! better put a disclaimer on there though. some stupid person's bound to find your page and try this stuff! *crosses fingers*

The Freelance Cynic said...

Mom - How do you know till you try?

Linda - Brillant Idea.
Patent it now!

Webmiztris - I was worrying about that actually :)

Skittles said...

LOL.. you are such a goof :)

Sandy Carlson said...

I really enjoy your sense of humor. I've been trying the whining meme but can't get it right. I might just have to blog about your blog because it's so darn good. That okay?

ally said...

did you read the recent article of a man with larvae in his scalp? it still gives me the itches.

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