Monday, August 13

5 Reasons To visit Britain

Britain!

Home of Cockney Dialects, drive-by insults and David Beckham's right foot. (His left foot lives permanently in his mouth) But Johnny-Foreigner knows only a little of the wonders of the island that formed, robbed and lost the empire. And as a Brit, it is my job to educate you.

  1. Culture
    Britain is a Cultural cauldron, and boasts some of the finest minds of our time, most of which are in maximum security prisons, or have been shot, lest they open the average punter’s mind and cause a revolution. To make up for this the country mass produces bland commercial literature and music, under such names as J.K.Rowling and the Spice Girls.

    Theatre is the UK’s primary cultural export with almost all their best plays are exported to Broadway where they are rapidly improved and made more glamorous by American Producers.

  2. Shopping
    British is a haven of brand name shops, it’s high-streets being identical to every other high street in the Western World, at three times the standard retail price.

    The shopper after something different may treat themselves to the fashion styles of Marks & Spencer or Primark, the stores largely responsible for the Unique British Fashion which has alienated it’s residents from the rest of the fashionable world.

  3. Cuisine
    Despite its reputation, British cuisine is the finest in the world, serving anything from beef pies to chicken pies and everything in-between.
    Having no style of its own, Britain has stolen several others and claimed them as its own, and a typical British pub will serve anything from Curry to Pizza under the banner of ‘Good old-fashioned home cooking’ which is another way of saying ‘burnt and stodgy.’

    England is especially proud of its meat, which is ‘home grown and bred,’ and as such prey to a large number of diseases, such as Foot and Mouth and BSE. As such British Cattle are now almost as mad as the home grown and bred British Residents.

  4. Weather
    Where else in the world can tourists enjoy 12 hours of glorious rainfall every day and yet still have a hosepipe ban?

    The British are obsessed with the weather; it is their most common conversation topic. However, with typical British reserve they refer to monsoon rains and artic blizzards as ‘a bit wet,’ and ‘a bit cold’ respectively. It is believed that the British have over 30 different words for rain, most of which are unprintable.

  5. People
    From the Inbred royals, to the underground beggars, the people of Britain are what make it great.

    Locking themselves away in the homes, they emerge only to earn money, either by work or mugging elderly civilians, which they use to get drunk. Alcohol is the main social outlet, and a major reason for Britain’s rapidly growing population.

    Don't forget to sample some of our watered down ales to make your stay complete!
Visit Today.

Tomorrow we might not be here.

14 comments:

mcewen said...

Ooo you make me feel quite homesick! There again, having just visited and witnessed the rain and the floods first hand for 20 days, next year's annual visits seems far too soon.
Cheers

The Freelance Cynic said...

:) Was fun wasn't it. I work for an insurance company I can tell you they weren't too happy about it either.

Paul said...

Best cuisine in the world? SOme folks may dispute that assertion. :-)

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

sarge and i managed to have fun when we were there 30 years ago! but it was cold and rainy i must admit...

smiles, bee

Sandy Carlson said...

This was my laugh of the day! The last picture crowned it for me....

My neighbor is English, and he serves his kids mince pie every other night. In between they eat the leftovers. All the years he's been here and the chopped meat is still mince, the sneakers are soccer boots, and Main Street is the high street.

What sets him apart from every other being on the mothership, though, is the fact that his guest bathroom is filled with pictures of himself in public school.

Will you have five more soon? This is a great post.

Angelika said...

I just watched "Taboo: Delicacies" on the national geographic channel (or something) and I was thinking that America doesn't really have any cuisine of it's own either.

Thank God for immigration or we might be eating beans on toast too.

Andrea said...

I adored Britain, therefore, I adored this blog. You should really hear my accent. A bloody good laugh. Looking forward to more of your blog. . .

The Freelance Cynic said...

Paul - Yes but the french are idiots.

Empress - And where would England be with out a little rain.

Sandy - Wow. Your neighbour must be a riot at pie parties

Angelika - The national dish of America is anyother dish, served larger...

Andrea - Anyone who can use the word bloody in a sentence is a friend of mine!

Alison said...

You can tell from your post how much you love the place really...now do one about the French!

Chrysalis Angel said...

Well, well, I must say - you do have a rather interesting personality. I like that in a person. I just had to stop over to visit, since your Meme got my attention. I lol when I read your comment to me and then over at Cathy's. (I responded to that by the way). Then, I come here and find myself about to spew my tea from laughter! Nice to have come across you.

Dan said...

I've been to England perhaps 20 times. For some reason I keep going back! Perhaps I should seek professional help. :)

My Reflecting Pool said...

Wonderful! You should work for the travel industry.

Paul said...

Did I say the French ? there are lots of fine cuisines around the world.

The Freelance Cynic said...

Alison - Having only seen the inside of french supermarkets that feels somewhat unfair.

Angel - Sorry i made you waste your tea. Thanks for the visit.

Dan - We have some brilliant counselors in the UK too.... oh wait

Pool - I tired to be cabin crew, but i wasn't camp enough

Paul - Yeah I know I just wanted to have a go at the french :)

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