5 Reasons To visit Britain

Britain!

Home of Cockney Dialects, drive-by insults and David Beckham's right foot. (His left foot lives permanently in his mouth) But Johnny-Foreigner knows only a little of the wonders of the island that formed, robbed and lost the empire. And as a Brit, it is my job to educate you.

1. Culture
   Britain is a Cultural cauldron, and boasts some of the finest minds of our time, most of which are in maximum security prisons, or have been shot, lest they open the average punter’s mind and cause a revolution. To make up for this the country mass produces bland commercial literature and music, under such names as J.K.Rowling and the Spice Girls.
   
   Theatre is the UK’s primary cultural export with almost all their best plays are exported to Broadway where they are rapidly improved and made more glamorous by American Producers.


2. Shopping
   British is a haven of brand name shops, it’s high-streets being identical to every other high street in the Western World, at three times the standard retail price.
   
   The shopper after something different may treat themselves to the fashion styles of Marks & Spencer or Primark, the stores largely responsible for the Unique British Fashion which has alienated it’s residents from the rest of the fashionable world.


3. Cuisine
   Despite its reputation, British cuisine is the finest in the world, serving anything from beef pies to chicken pies and everything in-between.
   Having no style of its own, Britain has stolen several others and claimed them as its own, and a typical British pub will serve anything from Curry to Pizza under the banner of ‘Good old-fashioned home cooking’ which is another way of saying ‘burnt and stodgy.’
   
   England is especially proud of its meat, which is ‘home grown and bred,’ and as such prey to a large number of diseases, such as Foot and Mouth and BSE. As such British Cattle are now almost as mad as the home grown and bred British Residents.


4. Weather
   Where else in the world can tourists enjoy 12 hours of glorious rainfall every day and yet still have a hosepipe ban?
   
   The British are obsessed with the weather; it is their most common conversation topic. However, with typical British reserve they refer to monsoon rains and artic blizzards as ‘a bit wet,’ and ‘a bit cold’ respectively. It is believed that the British have over 30 different words for rain, most of which are unprintable.


5. People
   From the Inbred royals, to the underground beggars, the people of Britain are what make it great.
   
   Locking themselves away in the homes, they emerge only to earn money, either by work or mugging elderly civilians, which they use to get drunk. Alcohol is the main social outlet, and a major reason for Britain’s rapidly growing population.
   
   Don't forget to sample some of our watered down ales to make your stay complete!

Visit Today.

Tomorrow we might not be here.

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