ECNALUBMA

You know what really grinds my gears?
Vans that are so up themselves they feel their need to have their company name written backwards across their bonnet so you can read it your rear view mirror.

Of course this trend was started by ambulances. Now personally, I have to wonder how, when confronted by sirens that whine louder than Louis Walsh and more lights than a chain smoker, anyone would still have to look in their rear-view mirror to check they are, indeed, being followed by an Ambulance. And even then you think the hulking lump of white and yellow metal would be enough identification without the need for its name to be plastered all over it like a pair of Nike Trainers. For Doc's sake, ambulances are just one offence away from being a public disturbance, If you installed them with drum machines they'd be mobile hard house discos. I fail to see how having some fancy backward lettering makes them more noticeable. It's like putting a red nose on a porn star. That's simply not the bit that anyone notices.

But ambulances can save a life and for that we should cut them some slack. After all the life they're saving might owe you money and as such we'd all be a little worse off without them.

But I find it completely unbelievable that it would ever be useful to be aware that the van following you was full of orange Tango. If anything, that would just make me slow down and move into the middle of the road, just to make sure that the horrible beverage doesn't get delivered. You would think it would be enough that the vans are bright orange with bubbles, but no, they have to decorate them with their fancy stylish backwards writing as well, as if they believe they were designed by that famous Italian inventing artist, who wrote his diary backwards. You know who I mean, that Leonardo fellow who inspired the DaVinci code. Leonardo Dicaprio, that one

But the number of back to front words on the road is only going to increase. Because, if I looked in a mirror and saw a word that was readable in the normal left to right fashion, my concept of reality would be recalled faster than a children's toy from China. Believing up to be down, and left to be right, I would veer off the road into a ditch. And when they finally came to rescue me they would find me sitting upside down on the grass, rocking back and forth, mumbling random phrases out of Alice Through the Looking Glass. And obviously, I couldn't be the only person who would react in such a way...

And all that, of course, would result in a hell of a lot more ambulances...

Previous Grinds
Here, Here, Here, & Here.

You know what really grinds my gears? Part 3

It's like, hey, Jackass, in the case of the Frigging Rapture I think I'd have slightly more important things to do than read the bloody sticker an the back of your car!

I mean yeah, when my vehicle is slamming into the back of yours I'll be so appreciative of your smug Little warning on the back bumper. Now I not only have to worry about mirror, signal, manoeuvre but also about the bloody rapture occurring when I'm travelling about 90 miles an hour the M6.

And know what? Your stupid, holy-water blessed and sanctified car will also be unmanned in the event of death, sudden global warming or total paralysis, all of which are more likely than Jesus Christ causing havoc on Britain's A-roads by rapturing motorists at an inconvenient junction.

Frigging Jackass.

In the event of my dinner being ready this Blog will be unmanned. That at least is something we can all believe in...

Previous Rants
Spam E-mail
Cross-ing

Grinds my Gears - Part 1

You know what really grinds my gears?

When I’m at the traffic crossing waiting for the lights to change and a guy comes up and presses the button again.

It’s like “Hey! Jackass! I’m right here! You think I’m so stupid I didn’t know I was supposed to press the damn button? You think I’ve never used a pelican crossing before? You think it’s a pay per click thing? Like only the tenth click gets you any money? Or maybe you just think that the button is like your wife’s intimate area and pressing it loads will make the little green man come?

“Or hey, maybe I didn’t actually want to cross the street! Maybe I’m standing here because I like breathing in car fumes? Doesn’t that sound good to you? In fact, I didn’t even know that bloody great big box and all them pretty little lights even did anything. I thought it was a miniature version of Broadway right here in my quaint little town. I was just enjoying the show and trying to work out where to buy tickets!

“Frigging Jackass.

“Hey wait, hey wait a minute! You pressed the button and the light changed. How’d you do that? I’ve been doing it the wrong way? It never changes like that for me! Hey! hey wait…”