You know what really grinds my gears?
Vans that are so up themselves they feel their need to have their company name written backwards across their bonnet so you can read it your rear view mirror.
Of course this trend was started by ambulances. Now personally, I have to wonder how, when confronted by sirens that whine louder than Louis Walsh and more lights than a chain smoker, anyone would still have to look in their rear-view mirror to check they are, indeed, being followed by an Ambulance. And even then you think the hulking lump of white and yellow metal would be enough identification without the need for its name to be plastered all over it like a pair of Nike Trainers. For Doc's sake, ambulances are just one offence away from being a public disturbance, If you installed them with drum machines they'd be mobile hard house discos. I fail to see how having some fancy backward lettering makes them more noticeable. It's like putting a red nose on a porn star. That's simply not the bit that anyone notices.
But ambulances can save a life and for that we should cut them some slack. After all the life they're saving might owe you money and as such we'd all be a little worse off without them.
But I find it completely unbelievable that it would ever be useful to be aware that the van following you was full of orange Tango. 
If anything, that would just make me slow down and move into the middle of the road, just to make sure that the horrible beverage doesn't get delivered. You would think it would be enough that the vans are bright orange with bubbles, but no, they have to decorate them with their fancy stylish backwards writing as well, as if they believe they were designed by that famous Italian inventing artist, who wrote his diary backwards. You know who I mean, that Leonardo fellow who inspired the DaVinci code. Leonardo Dicaprio, that one
But the number of back to front words on the road is only going to increase. Because, if I looked in a mirror and saw a word that was readable in the normal left to right fashion, my concept of reality would be recalled faster than a children's toy from China. Believing up to be down, and left to be right, I would veer off the road into a ditch. And when they finally came to rescue me they would find me sitting upside down on the grass, rocking back and forth, mumbling random phrases out of Alice Through the Looking Glass. And obviously, I couldn't be the only person who would react in such a way...
And all that, of course, would result in a hell of a lot more ambulances...
Thursday, January 10
ECNALUBMA
Thursday, May 3
You know what really grinds my gears? Part 3
It's like, hey, Jackass, in the case of the Frigging Rapture I think I'd have slightly more important things to do than read the bloody sticker an the back of your car!
I mean yeah, when my vehicle is slamming into the back of yours I'll be so appreciative of your smug Little warning on the back bumper. Now I not only have to worry about mirror, signal, manoeuvre but also about the bloody rapture occurring when I'm travelling about 90 miles an hour the M6.
And know what? Your stupid, holy-water blessed and sanctified car will also be unmanned in the event of death, sudden global warming or total paralysis, all of which are more likely than Jesus Christ causing havoc on Britain's A-roads by rapturing motorists at an inconvenient junction.
Frigging Jackass.
In the event of my dinner being ready this Blog will be unmanned. That at least is something we can all believe in...
Tuesday, April 24
Grinds My Gears
I’m thinking of creating a new Meme.
All of us like to moan, or grumble, no matter how much we may deny it, and our blogs seem the ideal place to do it. And yet we often worry more about making our online persona's ‘nice’ than making them real.
It’s been proven that human beings bond more over gossip and backstabbing than over anything else. Grumbling makes people like us! Indeed, in the UK it’s our national pastime.
And yet all the memes I’ve seen are for ‘nice’ things. Cute pictures, shared blessings, personal dreams etc. It’s time to change all that.
And so I’m suggesting ‘Grinds My Gears’ – The moaning meme
Once a week I’ll give you the chance to moan about anything you want, just have a good old rant, and other moaners can read it, add their comments and grumble along with you. We’ll bond more, make more friends and get a little bit further inside peoples heads. Plus reading about others grumbles puts ours in proportion and makes us all feel better.
What do you think? Would you play along? Do you know someone who might? What day should it be on? What should the artwork look like? Should it have themes? Is it the most stupid idea I’ve ever had, apart from that one that involved a squirrel, two snakes and a tube of Pritstick?
I’m opening this up to the floor, so feel free to give me your ideas, comments and your criticism. Or alternatively, just write a good old rant about me in the comments and get it off your chest.
Thursday, March 29
Grinds my Gears - Part 2 - Spam E-mails
You know what really grinds my gears?
All the e-mails people keep forwarding to me.
- "Forward this email to save the whales."
- "Microsoft will pay 3p for every person you forward this too."
- "Your Bank account is overdrawn, and will be closed down. To prevent this, forward this E-mail to 10 people.."
"There is no such thing as an 'E-mail Tracker'" I've said.
"Companies don't get rich by giving away money," I've said.
"It's a whole load of TroodlePoop," I've said.
But people keep forwarding long E-mails promising instant access to heaven if I just pass it on to ten heathens before the next full moon.So, I created a forwarding E-mail to stop Forwarding E-mails forever.
From: Simon Hembra
Sent: 29 March 2007 07:53
To: "Sue," "D.Grady," "Cierra Daniel," "Odis," "Madge," "Z. Murazik," "Andrew," Davon oore," "Megan.R.Leannon," "Harmon," "Cara," "Dayna,." "Ansel," "Fran," " Junior,"
Subject: FW: FW: FW: E-mail funds Puppy Slaughter!
***MICROSOFT FUND PUPPY SLAUGHTER THROUGH E-MAIL FORWARDING!***
Medical Company Pfizer gained sponsorship yesterday, from international computer manufacturers Microsoft™.
In the controversial deal, Pfizer will increase Email sent in the UK via advertising on Medication Bottles. For every E-mail sent Microsoft™ will pay $0.03 to Pfizer.
The amount will be doubled each time an E-mail is forwarded.
According to their Press Release, Pfizer plan to channel the sponsorship into their Animal Testing facility in Kent.
This is a barbaric testing facility
The ‘scientists’ play games with the animals, chaining them up and calling them names. Some are injected with manufactured viruses, increasing their sex drives till they die of exhaustion. They are made to smoke cigarettes, and wear stockings and make up. Many are taught to perform tricks, sparking rumours of a possible Pfizer’s Circus. And some poor creatures, like Rx, a five year old mongrel, had to eat out of a common Dog bowl! A Puppy less than four months old was force-fed Dog-food from a test-tube. In a few hours he had grown an extra tail!
In an undercover report in 1967 it was shown that 99% of all animals, after testing was complete, were killed with a comedy mallet, minced up and fed to the remaining test subjects. Is it any wonder that the Mad Cow Epidemic started in Kent?
We can not allow this to continue.
All E-mail is tracked by a hidden file added during Windows Update 5 months ago. It can not be removed or deleted in anyway.
There is only one way to end this abuse.
- Limit the E-mail you send
- Think before you click send!
- Do not forward that Chain E-mail!
- Do not pass on that hilarious joke!
Please forward this e-mail to your entire mailing list, then never forward again.
Working together we can stop Animal Cruelty in all its forms, even those sponsored by Bill and Melinda Gates.
The Puppies are relying on you!
Thank You
Keith.Stracke@GreenPeace.org
For the full details of this story Please Click Here
Go on. This is one E-mail I'll let you forward.
Saturday, February 17
Grinds my Gears - Part 1
You know what really grinds my gears?
When I’m at the traffic crossing waiting for the lights to change and a guy comes up and presses the button again.
It’s like “Hey! Jackass! I’m right here! You think I’m so stupid I didn’t know I was supposed to press the damn button? You think I’ve never used a pelican crossing before? You think it’s a pay per click thing? Like only the tenth click gets you any money? Or maybe you just think that the button is like your wife’s intimate area and pressing it loads will make the little green man come?
“Or hey, maybe I didn’t actually want to cross the street! Maybe I’m standing here because I like breathing in car fumes? Doesn’t that sound good to you? In fact, I didn’t even know that bloody great big box and all them pretty little lights even did anything. I thought it was a miniature version of Broadway right here in my quaint little town. I was just enjoying the show and trying to work out where to buy tickets!
“Frigging Jackass.
“Hey wait, hey wait a minute! You pressed the button and the light changed. How’d you do that? I’ve been doing it the wrong way? It never changes like that for me! Hey! hey wait…”